“Why am I like this?”
“I don’t deserve good things.”
“If people really knew me, they’d leave.”
These thoughts can feel like truth or observations of reality but they’re really just shame talking.
Shame is a helpful emotion. Think of it like a compass that points you toward your values and helps you recognize when you’re not at your best. Say you snap at someone when you’re in a bad mood, shame nudges you to apologize.
But like all feelings, shame exists on a spectrum, and when taken to an unhealthy extreme, it becomes a harmful identity. Instead of thinking “I messed up,” you think “I’m messed up.”
While not commonly talked about, unhealthy shame is something most of us experience. It quietly tells us not to try, leads us toward self-isolation and distress, and can be the underlying reason for anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem.
To correct unhealthy shame, we need to know when it’s talking. And it’s helpful to know how we got to feeling unhealthy shame in the first place.
Where Unhealthy Shame Comes From
We’re taught unhealthy shame through messages that approval and belonging depend on compliance. A boy who likes pink is told it’s “for girls.” A girl curious about science is handed dolls. We’re told what emotions are socially acceptable to express. Boys don’t cry, girls are sugar and spice. Never angry.
Religions teach us that we’re born sinful and need to feel guilt for simply existing. God forbid you have natural sexual urges. And we’re led to believe that growing up and puberty is somehow embarrassing, when the adults who made it embarrassing are the ones who deserve shame.
Unhealthy shame grows in families where love feels conditional and mistakes are met with withdrawal or rage. It thrives in cultures that rank people by arbitrary measures and in systems that treat certain bodies or identities as less than others.
Sometimes the lessons are loud: criticism, humiliation, rejection. More often, they’re quiet: a look of disappointment, being overlooked, the absence of celebration for who you are.
Being asked, “What will people think?” instead of, “How do you feel?” Repeated, silent messages saying, “Be yourself… but not like that.”
Children shamed at home go to school and shame their classmates for things like their appearance or clothing brands. They grow into adults who either bottle up the shame and hate themselves or push it outward toward those around them.
Because the lessons often come from people we love, people who were shamed themselves, we see it as advice or maturity and don’t question it. Unhealthy shame gets passed down like a family heirloom. But instead of a shiny brooch or grandma’s china, it’s a quiet voice telling us we’ll never be good enough.
We end up focused on our flaws, thinking if we fix ourselves we’ll be safe. But the safety never comes because the problem was never us.
Living with Unhealthy Shame
Unhealthy shame changes how we see ourselves and our place in the world. It affects interactions, opportunities, and relationships; influencing what we allow ourselves to want, try, or ask for.
Since unhealthy shame makes accountability overwhelming, “I did something wrong” becomes “I am something wrong.” Instead of repairing, we avoid, overcompensate, get defensive, or shut down. Behavior that looks “shameless,” comes from the shame itself.
Shame is often quiet. It shows in moments like apologizing unnecessarily, people-pleasing, struggling to rest because we feel unworthy of peace, hiding parts of ourselves to avoid rejection, and feeling like a problem.
Since unhealthy shame is so painful a lot of people turn to control as a coping mechanism. If they reject others or opportunities first, then no one will find out they aren’t good enough. Or if they focus on controlling or judging others, then it validates all the harsh judgment they have on themselves. We see them standing on the side of the road with signs that say odd things like “Gays go to hellfire.”
Unhealthy shame is tied to impossible standards and isolation. It convinces us our needs or existence are too much for others, so we stop reaching out.
It can look like:
- Avoiding accountability because mistakes feel identity-defining
- Defensiveness or aggression when challenged
- Heavy reliance on religion or purity
- Perfectionism and thinking you need to be flawless
- Self-sabotage and rejecting good things because you don’t think you deserve them
- A harsh inner-critic and speaking to yourself in ways you’d never speak to a friend
- Workaholism and thinking you need to perform or produce to bring value
These are not personal failures. They’re survival strategies for an environment where honest expression isn’t safe. Unfortunately, these coping mechanisms reinforce the shame we were taught to carry.
What Healthy Shame Looks Like
Healthy shame is different. It’s brief, situational, and motivates you without attacking your sense of self. It encourages growth by focusing on what you did, not who you are. The thought is “I made a mistake” rather than “I am a mistake.”
Motivating repair instead of avoidance, healthy shame creates movement toward accountability or change, acknowledging harm without defining you by your mistakes.
Respecting your inherent worth, even while acknowledging wrongdoing, healthy shame doesn’t lead to questioning your right to exist or belong.
It may feel uncomfortable and like embarrassment, but healthy shame has an endpoint, and it doesn’t say “you are an embarrassment.” Once responsibility is taken or a lesson learned, the feeling passes. Mistakes are addressed, actions are taken, and life continues.
Recognizing Unhealthy Shame
To identify unhealthy shame, ask yourself if anything you read here brought up memories of being told you weren’t enough, or that you weren’t allowed to like something because of your age or gender. Are there things you’ve been doing to abandon yourself?
Think back to when you were a kid. Were there things you enjoyed that you stopped because you were mocked or discouraged? Is there a small way to reconnect with them now?
If you think about yourself as being worthy and deserving even when you’re not producing anything, does your mind resist? What does it say?
And think back on a time you weren’t at your best, say you got defensive or unnecessarily boastful, is it because you felt you needed to protect yourself?
When’s the last time you felt embarrassed, how did you recover without feeling like an embarrassment?
Reducing Unhealthy Shame
Reducing shame means living more true to you. It can be helpful to consider what you value and what makes you happy.
If you feel upset about something, instead of judging yourself, ask why you’re upset. And when you feel the urge to compare or label yourself in a negative light, remember that it doesn’t need to be this way. You’re human, You make mistakes. What you do to correct and move past those mistakes is what counts.
Reducing shame also means extending that freedom outward. When you feel the urge to judge someone for their choices, pause and ask: Does this actually affect me? Judgment is often internalized shame looking for somewhere to land. And most people’s choices don’t directly harm you or others, a.k.a., they’re not your concern.
For older generations, this shift can be especially painful. Many people were shamed into falling in line, told to sacrifice joy, curiosity, or authenticity for survival or acceptance.
Watching others live more freely can feel unfair or threatening. But that pain doesn’t have to turn into outward shame. It can be faced and acknowledged. Instead of enforcing the same rules, you can choose to invest that energy into the parts of yourself that you were once discouraged from expressing creativity, rest, softness, curiosity, or joy.
You’re In Charge
Shame-based thoughts we’re taught and learned by experience long before you had the language or power to question them. But what was learned can be unlearned, and these unhelpful thoughts can be examined, challenged, and replaced.
This doesn’t happen through force or self-criticism (that’s just more shame). It happens by creating space for healthier thoughts to coincide alongside the old ones and practicing self-compassion even when it feels unfamiliar or untrue.
Thought Swaps: Who Put This Voice in Charge shows practical ways to identify shame-based thoughts and replace them with grounded, compassionate alternatives. These tools won’t eliminate shame overnight, but they help loosen its grip. And when you can name what you’re carrying, it’s easier to challenge it.
Over time, the alternative thoughts stop being alternatives. They become possibilities. And eventually, they become beliefs.